All posts by tasara

Emergency Psychic Sanity List

The news is bad. Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse it does.

It makes us want to check out. It forces us to check out. Taking time out is an important act to grasp any psychological health, but it is not the same as shutting down. Shutting down is what they want.

We’ve been told this would happen from the beginning. We would be hit with an onslaught, a chaos of events designed to distract and overwhelm. Designed to make us throw up our heads, bury our heads, give up hope and be paralyzed by despair.

So, knowing that, we can strategize.

I have a list of suggestions.

Mantras: These help keep a clear separation of you and that. It is protective.

  • I am a sovereign being. You cannot take my joy.
  • I am a sovereign being. You cannot take my joy.
  • Your despicable energies are not my life. My life is my own.
  • That is you. This is me.
  • I will still hold up light and not be affected by your sickness.
  • I will not shut down. I will not shut down. I will shut down.
  • I choose to live. Every day, I choose to live.

Positively, make your own mantra.

Put your body somewhere nourishing with no electronics: The forest, a hot tub, a sanctuary, a quiet room.

Shamanic antidotes:

  • Guard yourself from energetic intrusions from the media. If you are already in trouble, help from another practitioner.
  • Contribute healthy energies to the global/national town square.
    It is possible to hold to the ethics of not doing any works that affect people’s personhood without their permission, but there are so many creative ways to contribute energy people need into the psychic town square: inspiration, creativity, fortitude, healing, comfort, clear-thinking, community connection and sheer good luck. If someone needs it, it will be there for them because you put it there. When I am less tired I will write more about this but you can journey to the web of light where eveyrone is doing whatever they are inspired to do.
  • Continue your normal spiritual practice. Whatever it is, do not abandon it.
  • Acknowledge to yourself the immense beauty of all the people making change in different ways. This is nourishing and energetically supports them.
  • Mourn if you need to. This energetically supports others who are mourning. Be sure and let it go through you. Do not hold onto it.

    Note: Remember to do this work in conjunction with the Spirits of Kindness. As in all healing arts, you do not want to contribute your personal energy into this effort or it will deplete you. Rather, ask your helpers to source the energy and help you direct it.

Media Consumption:
Yes, of course, we need breaks from the media but we cannot abandoned our contributions to a better society. Vote. Petition. Vote. Vote. Network. Keep moving. Stagnation brings sickness.

Mundane Activities:

  • Call or write your representatives and thank them for holding the line.

  • Donate to groups that are doing hard work that we cannot.
–
  • Attend high-media events to help keep the conversation in the news.
https://seattle-protests.org/ for local folks
.
  • Reach out to marginalized people and let them know you are there.

  • Join the groups that monitor ICE if you have the means.
  • Encourage and support others who are doing things that we cannot.
  • Divest from credit cards from Bank Of America and other such institutions. I just did.

  • Research your bank. I switched over to Beneficial Bank from Portland.
–
  • Keep being a good person and supporting others to be their best selves.
  • Vote.

Every human, every person is an agent for change. But keep yourself healthy. Remember that you are beautiful and that is no joke. Thank you for being you.

Tasara

P.S. We are a community. Please post your mantras, ideas, inspirations and tools in the comments. Who knows who you might help?

I Almost Died

It’s been just over a year since the car accident. In the past few weeks, I’ve encountered a surge of energy and increased brain activity. Suddenly I am not afraid of falling down the stairs and the lightness I’ve felt all year, instead of passing, is settling in deeper. At one point last week I was distressed, feeling like I didn’t know who I was anymore. So I did some research and discovered that this is common for a year after burr hole surgery to release the blood that’s putting pressure on one’s brain. My autonomic nervous system is finding its balance.

A year. And it could take a few more years. I’ve been reliving last winter, when I spent my time lying on a cot by the fireplace with all the lights out because my eyes were so hyper-sensitive to light. I remember the deep nourishment from the coals and the visits from my friends.

A voice in my head is saying, “I almost died!”, over and over. I suppose it is the first taste of living to make me realize how bad it had been. This memory of being completely out of control of my own body, so close to the end has changed me forever. When I drive by crumpled cars and ambulances on the freeway, my heart goes out to whomever’s life has been disrupted. I feel the beginning of their long path to somewhere unwanted. The impact. The injury. The insurance. The lawyers. The bills and confusion.

The memory of losing my mind – and a few days of time, of the ICU and the fear cracks me open as I look at the photo Renee Nicole Good’s car against the Minnesota snow, blood coloring her airbag, her children’s stuffed animals pouring out from the glove compartment. The ICE agent said to the physician that wanted to take her pulse, “I don’t care.”

How can you not care?

How can you not care?!

What has happened to this world, where human beings have become so outside themselves, they are not phased by the broken body of another, lying right behind them?

She was murdered. I figure, if I can make just one person feel a little better… I open the GoFundMe page for Renee Nicole Good’s family. In less than 24 hours, it has already collected over a million dollars. I don’t care. A million is nothing compared to a lost mother or lover or daughter. I am giving. I see the numbers and read the comments and tears well up in my eyes.

A new alert pops up on my feed. In less than 24 hours since Minnesota, a couple in Portland have been shot in their car by federal agents. The leaders of these two cities, in solidarity, urge us to protest but to do so peacefully. The phrase of the week is “Don’t take the bait.” I am in disbelief but it sounds like wisdom. I hope it is truly powerful. How can we make change? How can we really push? We are in a closing moment when the power of Democracy has one last sliver of a chance to swing us back. If it doesn’t, more and more people realize, it will be too late. The press conference is over and realize I am weeping.

“I almost died!”, again and again. Then, why am I here if not to do more than bask in gratitude for my new lease on life? What power do we have in an already liberal state?

I know there are things to do, truly, so I can’t end this blog until I list a few to inspire others. I pray that you post your own ideas in the comments:

– Call or write your representatives and thank them for holding the line.
– Donate to groups that are doing hard work that we cannot.
– Attend high-media events to help keep the conversation in the news.
https://seattle-protests.org/ for local folks
– Reach out to marginalized people and let them know you are there.
– Join the groups that monitor ICE if you have the means.
– Divest from credit cards from Bank Of America and other such institutions.
– Research your own bank. I am switching over to Beneficial Bank from Portland.
– Keep being a good person and supporting others to be their best selves.

Every human, loved and nourished, angry and bitter, every person is an agent for change.

Love,

Tasara

Samhain 2025

An old woman pulls the veil aside and hurries you in to the blackness.
Some call her Hag, but they do not notice the soft lines of love and concern on her face.
She hurries you in because she does not want you to think long enough to fear.
She knows that to be in the dark means to shut it all out
so you can be alone,
so you can think,
and dream.

She knows some of us need to howl into the void.
She knows some of us yearn for deep, gentle rest.
She has been preparing the sanctum for very long,
waiting for us,
waiting
and waiting,
with love in her heart. 

Lay the marigolds and fruit on the altar.
Blow kisses to those gone before you.
You are not forgotten. 
Set gifts outside the door for the ghouls you never met.
We know of your loneliness.
Light the lantern to remind them of the way, that there is a way.
There will be an end to your wandering.

Embrace your living friends.
Cherish the moments for they are fleeting, just as we’ve been told.
They are fleeting.

Tasara Jen Stone

Solace

Is this what it feels like? To be home with the insanity of the world pressing upon the windows?

There’s no better time to nest, to recompose, fortify, pray. It is okay to want to feel good, because to be out there without knowing where our center is will only cause us to spin out, making no good use to anyone.

But when we hold the candle inside and venture out in a strong way, that light warms everyone who sees it.

So be kind to yourself. If there is no other purpose in the world, it is to be kind. Kindness is strength. It is the ability to see the mess before us, to see the mess inside each other and yet to choose to be kind. It is no small feat and we can do it better with help. That is what the Spirits of Kindness are for, to guide us, to clear our vision, and to allow extraordinary light filter through our beings into this world of suffering.

Share your joys and it will remind others of joy. See the light in others so they may see it too. And then go home and rejuvenate.

I say these things as much as for you as I do for myself, so I think I will think of more things to say.

Tasara

Slipping Past Common Difficulties While Shamanic Journeying

This article is written for those that have taken Harner-style, Core Shamanic Journey lessons but still have difficulty either journeying to the other realms or meeting their spirit guardians.

Firstly, I want you to know that you are not alone. Some people journey successfully right away and others take months. There is no grading system in shamanic journeying. There is no shame or blame. We all have different roads and truly, they are all sacred.

In my years of teaching shamanic journey, the biggest barrier I have seen that my students run into is when they think they are not journeying -when they really are! Because their journeys do not match their expectations, they belittle and dismiss their experiences. I have had many discussions with people in class who say, “I wasn’t able to journey.” Then, when I ask them what happen, a story comes out that is really quite wonderful.

Here are some common mindsets that can hinder a journey experience:

  • The journeyer expects a “successful” journey to be fantastical and mind-blowing.
  • The journeyer feels like they need to pass or fail a test about whether they can journey.
  • The journeyer expects their journey to be visual.

Many cultures believe that everyone has helping spirits. They just might not be aware of them. Shamanic journey is an opportunity to do this. Because these spirits have already been around us, many people have a strong sense of familiarity when they meet their guardian spirits, instead of a shiny new experience.

Shamanic journey is not about gaining abilities. It is about going to a place where you can say hello to your helping spirits. Be curious. Lighten up. Have fun. Try to hold a combination of childlike wonder and thoughtful navigation at the same time.

Because language in the spirit realms is different than in our realm, one can expect to receive information from any of their senses. One can feel their environment, smell or know what is happening around them more than they see. This is perfectly valid! A person could be a visual artist in the waking world but not see strongly in the spirit realms. How we perceive fluctuates over time and the intensity waxes and wanes.

Simply put, we all have our own way.

Overall, my advice is to release any expectations of what you think the journey will be like. Lead with your heart, not your mind. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with the spirits. And be confident. Greatly, self-confidence is necessary to open oneself to new possibilities. If you are completely frustrated with yourself, I would ask you to brave on and trust in the process. This kind of effort is recognized by the spirits.

Following, is a list of problems I have heard people talk about over the years and possible solutions to them. I have been gathering these gems over the past few years from various shamanic communities. Some might resonate with you and some may not, but it only takes one to open a new door.

The power runs out of the journey.

Sometimes our mind rushes ahead of the journey and then the journey peters out. Don’t judge yourself for going off. There may have been a good purpose to it. Maybe spirit showed you something that immediately related to a part of your life and you needed to digest it for a few minutes. Many very experienced shamanic journeyers encounter this from time to time.

Things you can do:

  • Play the “What If?” game. Ask yourself what the journey would be like if it was going magnificently and then step into that reality.
  • Go back to the way you came until you arrive at where you last felt the power. Take a moment and follow the scent.

The spirit runs away from you.

  • In this case, the answer to your journey question will likely be metaphorical, exemplified by the journey they are about to take you on. Follow the spirit.

You think that nothing is happening.

I must say, there is no such thing as nothing. There is definitely something happening.

Try this:

  • Slow down and become very, very aware.
  • Check into all of your senses one by one.
  • Do not dismiss anything as unimportant. Feel into it and then decided.
  • Be curious.

You are physically stuck at the beginning of the journey.

I have heard of people finding themselves in a black box or facing a wall. I must ask, “What is stuck, really?” It’s very curious. If you were a child, you would know exactly what to do in these situations:

  • Merge through the wall.
  • Find a crack in the wall/floor to slip through.
  • Sink through the ground.

You think you are not getting anywhere.

Sometimes where you are going takes a long time to get there. Sometimes the getting-there is a metaphor for you to learn from. Keep going through the darkness/whiteness, the tunnel as long as it takes, trusting there will be an end to it. Ask for help from the spirits, with the yearning in your heart that you want to meet them.

The journey is happening but it is very faint.

  • Go down or up a few more levels.

There are many levels in the upper/lower worlds. Let say I go into the trunk of a tree and then plummet down until I land and there is an opening that leads somewhere. If I go back into the tree, I can go down further, asking to be in a deeper lower-world aspect of the same place.

No one is there to greet you

  • If you have met a guide before, telepathically ask them to meet you at the entrance to the lower world before starting your journey.
  • Get very, very still and notice everything you can about your surroundings. Perhaps someone is there but you are too stressed to notice.
  • Put out a call with your heart (not your mind) to the spirits.
  • Go explore the area, feel with your heart where is more nourishing to you. There is a lot to learn from the environment.
  • Try a different day. Make offerings to the spirits on your altar and bring non-physical offerings for them in your next journey.

The spirit seems distant or is ignoring you.

  • Ask yourself if they are really ignoring you or if you are not paying attention to what they are showing you in nonverbal ways.
  • Just hang out with them to get used to their presence. Enjoy.
  • Give them a gift.
  • Try to communicate with them telepathically.
  • Ask them how to get to know them better.
  • Ask them if they are there to guide you. If they say no, ask them to take you to a guide that wants to work with you.
  • Power up and insist that you need to understand what is going on.

The guide doesn’t have a clear face or shape and won’t reveal it’s name.

This is actually common in journeys and there is a good reason for it. For some of us, if we are not able to name or see clearly a guide, it becomes easier to interact with the multidimensionality and mystery of that being.

You are confused about where you are or what the guide is doing or saying.

Ask questions. You are a sovereign being and get to be an equal partner in these interactions.

You wonder if you are making the journey up.

  • Ask yourself, “How do you know you are not making it up?”

The cultures that practice shamanism have very different world views than modern cultures do. One of these views is that everything has a spirit. Another view, for some cultures, is that there is no such thing as fantasy. Every experience is true. Knowing that one cultural mindset is not more real than another is a gift that the field of anthropology give us.

The more important question is “Is this experience helping me in my life?”. Shamanism is about trial and error, not faith.

  • Send the inner mental judges to a luxurious sanctuary, far, far away until you’ve been journeying for a while. Later, you can make your own conclusions about whether this practice is useful for you.

Long-time guides in the middle world through another spiritual practice who are used to meeting you in the middle world are not meeting you in the upper/lower world.

You guides may not understand why you want to communicate with them in a new way, so you might need to telepathically let them know before you journey that you want to meet them in these other worlds. If they still show up right when you close your eyes, tell them where you are going and ask them to meet you there. The advantage of being able to travel with them is you can expand your personal spiritual cosmology and encounter things you cannot encounter in the middle world. Explain this to them.

It is also possible that the spirits that want to meet you in the upper/lower realms are not the same spirits. Spirits often play specific roles in our lives so try to have an open mind. Perhaps your personal pantheon is about to expand.

You were able to journey before but now you are having trouble.

  • Are you cutting corners on creating sacred space before you journey?
  • Are you trying to get to the lower world a different way you did when you were able to journey? Go back to the way that worked for you.
  • Have you done something to insult, dismiss, belittle or dishonor the spirit? (boasting, neglect, behaving in an uncompassionate manner).
  • Check your attitude around you relationship with the guide. Are you in true partnership or are you using them to ‘get’ what you want? Try having a journey just to give them a hug and enjoy them.

Outside Help

Lastly, it might be helpful to get some private sessions with a shamanic practitioner. Here, you would be able to talk through your journey experiences and even talk your journey out loud while you are having it so you can get help in the moment. A practitioner could also journey for you to find out what the issues is or do a power animal retrieval for you.

Resources

It can be very inspiring to go back to the basics, no matter how much training you have had. The classics may have little jewels you missed the first time around:

The Way of the Shaman by Michael Harner
Cave and Cosmos by Michael Harner
Shamanic Journeying by Sandra Ingerman

I hope this helps and if you have any more suggestions that worked for you, add them in the comments!

Tasara Jen Stone

Happy Lughnasadh – 2025

Happy Lughnasadh, everyone!
Tis the High Season of Harvest!

What do you have?
What do you have? I say you.
What has blossomed? What do you reap?



For me, after the whole car accident thing, I have my life. That’s really something. I have a new car and a new job. New people, new challenges and a cash flow as I start to recover financially.

I have a new sense of stability inside myself, rock hard, formed under all the spinning and the discovering of what is really there, what matters and what doesn’t.
So in the middle world, I am doing really, really well.

Creatively, I do not have a new flow, that is for sure. That is why I haven’t been writing, although I do think about writing all the time. Perhaps the dark season will offer that to me.

When I think about writing, I take notes and ponder over these thoughts, gathered over the past weeks:

The universe is neutral. We make our meaning.
Don’t get mired in your meaning or names or especially categories.
Be careful what you make of things.
Careful the wide webs that are made of too much meaning.
Be careful when making something of anything, really. It isn’t absolutely necessary unless you need to survive something or to get away from something.
How sometimes it is important to define something in order to know that it is wrong.

Definitely don’t let others define you or your experiences for you.
But.. don’t make up bullshit that isn’t there. I’m just saying. Happy stickers.

Shamanism is not a religion. It is trial and error.

Mushroom trips show you patterns in nature, and the inside of your mind. It isn’t guaranteed the spirits will be more there for you than if you just get your drum and journey that way.

The notion of having a strong sense of self, how valued it is in our society and how having one can limit one’s perceptions of the world.

One precept of shamanism is building personal power, which also builds confidence. This is not power as we usually think of it. It is truly the spiritual power we gain from being in close contact with the spirits of kindness on the other side. I am rereading Michael Harner’s books, going back to see what will turn me now.

That’s it. Lots of sitting in silence with it, reading Mary Oliver and David Whyte and Tibetan wisdom and the Tao Te Ching. I’ve been reading the Tao Te Ching since college. I’ve been having journeys, embodying my primary spirit teacher/power animal in their forms that I first met them in. It’s like a home-coming.

But it’s harvest time and I wanted to say hello.

Hello! I hope your harvest season is rich and there are many lavish wonders to steep in for you. Have a nice time with people you love. Sit with the trees or the water or both. I hear that the Celts used to go to the sacred well on Lughnasadh.

Bless you!

Hugs,

Tasara

Ethics and Safety in Magical Activism

Lots of people are wondering what they can do to support the forces of love, equality, justice and democracy at this time. Yes, we all need to get out there and march if we can. We need to think about how we show up and what energy we are putting out. But in-between those times, we can use our spiritual talents, too.

Things to ask before entering magical activism are:

  • Is the practice safe for us?
  • Is the practice ethical?

Safe Practices

The reason I bring up safety as a foremost consideration is because there are a lot of people doing magical work on the political level, and many of them are far more powerful than you or I. To go to battle with such forces is liable to wipe us out. The good news is that there is no reason to work in these fields of energy. There are plenty of powerful, essential and needed works that can be done in other ways.

First, let’s talk about why going to battle is not a good idea. As I mentioned before, there are a lot of forces out of there, collectively, and individually that are far more powerful than we are. The act of going to battle is a violent act, functioning in a field of violence, so it just makes sense that there’s a high risk of experiencing violence. Not only is it possible to be harmed while doing this work, it is possible to be energetically tracked by other beings and people who may want to create messes in our lives on a long-term basis.

Isn’t life hard enough already?

There are plenty of blind spots and weaknesses that can be taken advantage of without violence. For example, institutions that are doing harmful work can only do it in the dark. The people who are supporting that work also need to be in the dark. This brings up ideas of doing magical workings to bring the truth to light. However, because everything bounces back on us, only people who don’t have things to hide would be perfectly safe doing this sort of work.

Even better than that is the work we can do to make ourselves and our communities stronger. It is more fun. The work itself is nourishing and inspiring. It supports our psychic health and our energetic fields become stronger, making us safer.

Not only is it dangerous to go to battle on a psychic level, but it is also unethical. And dangerous because it is unethical. Let me explain.

The Sanctity of Psychic Space

It is easy to understand that sexual assault is an inadmissible violation of body and psyche. In the same way, our psychic space must not be violated. This is because of the Universal Law that states that every being has sovereignty over their own private sphere. To honor this, we do not send energy into other people’s fields without explicit permission, whether it be to harm or to heal.

To try to help or heal someone without their permission is interfering with their free will and their sovereignty. We may do it and see what we perceive as good results, but we do not see that we may have greatly delayed the other in finding what they truly needed. Some of us warriors are so hard-headed, life needs to knock us down a few times before we figure things out. No one can change that for us. We have to hit bottom. If we are prevented from experiencing the very pain that will teach us, we are sentenced to another cycle of agony.

To harm or bind another being in order to prevent them from hurting others, even if we consider it “tough love,” is just that—harmful and binding. It can’t be defined in any other way. Also, what we do to others, we do to ourselves. We are so intricately connected to the web of life that our actions, words and thoughts will always be reflected back to us, in ways that are obvious as well as obscure.

If we harm someone, we change the shape of the most private space inside ourselves. We shape our world into one where harming is a go-to, instead of the harder path of seeing through the eyes of love. We limit the kinds of beings who are willing to interact with us. This is an even more difficult road, one which we cannot return from without a painstaking, arduous journey.

I knew about magic before I knew about the spirits of kindness. When I first met them, they took me on a spirit journey and showed me the harm I had caused with a binding spell. They told me that they would not teach me anything more until I reversed the spell. I witnessed a level of pain I did not know I had inflicted, and it was clear to me that I would never, ever do that sort of magic again. It was a horrible but necessary revelation.

If you cast any sort of predatory magic on another person, you cannot help but bind yourself to them because you have invested your own emotion and energy into changing their lives. The more powerful your spell, the more powerful your target, the more powerful the repercussions will be. Take this to the political arena, and it’s unfathomable.

Instead of going down that road, we turn our focus to our own self-care. We pour all our energy into creating and maintaining a solid, loving container so we can do other effective work.

Once we are grounded and ready, our goal is to interact with the psychic fields of those who are already, boots on the ground, fighting for justice – or wish they were but don’t know how. Some of these people are front line activists. Some are directing purifying energies to the collective with the help of the spirits of kindness. Some are hosting refugees in their homes, delivering food to the elderly, cooking dinner for campaign staff – the entire spectrum of helping people is a vibrant, brilliant, multi-faceted canvas of growing love and concern.

This canvas is growing because of your work and everybody else’s work. The time of the white knight is over. We don’t need a knight. We don’t need a singular man. We don’t need to be saved. We need each other. We need all the different ways and different viewpoints collectively. We work in the collective space.

It’s not unethical to work in the common psychic space. It’s fair game. If a business is going to cast enchantments of greed, over-sexualization, body shame and consumerism into the collective psychic field, I am not going to have any problem with inviting the essence of organic growth, mutual respect, sharing and kindness into the same field.

The collective consciousness is supposed to be a people space, not an institutional space. We have town squares, not the Safeco square or the Pepsi square—oh, yes, the corporations have taken over and regulated our literal town squares. So, we have the right to take them back in the collective consciousness. If we don’t, and we allow their crappy noise to continue to lure people away from health, we may not survive much longer.

So, we flood the collective with our own songs about the world we want to live in, with any music, vision or flavor of healing energy we want. We do not, however, intend a result that would interfere with other people’s free will. We cannot direct energy at individuals, but we can hold out support for people in general. We place our gifts in the common space, and they will be there when others reach for them. Things like sparkly faerie dust of inspiration, comforting waters, mind-centering tones.

Don’t underestimate the power of your light. It influences those around you, without your even knowing it. We can send grounding energy into situations that are getting out of hand. We can ask the spirits of kindness to stand by those that are lost with the disclaimer that our intentions will not interfere with their free will. We can pour loving light into the common collective, asking it to go where it is needed and called for.

We don’t even have to expose ourselves to the town square all the time, just as we don’t have to listen to the news all the time. We take care of ourselves when we do this work. We connect to the collective web of people doing this work when we do our meditations and visualizations. It is magnificent and nourishing to be in touch with the potential here. When we let fly our ceremonial hope to bring the great forces back into balance, it only makes this goodness stronger. This is an area where we do not have enough magic and ceremony.

Tasara

This article is greatly sourced from my book The Ancient Bones of Ceremony: Remembering the Heartfelt Ways.

Stopping

Free-falling is the implied scenario when people speak of hitting bottom. You kinda can’t have one without the other. But what they don’t tell you, is there are two types of hitting bottom: one is when you hit the bottom hard and everything smashes to pieces, and the other is when the change happens while you are still falling. You look around and you either say,

This is too much abrasion, the deeper I go. I’ve gotta stop.

Or

No way. I know this place and I’m not going.

Or you simply get bored and want to do something else. This one is quite surprising. You learn that where ‘bottom’ is now, is way closer to the surface than it used to be.

But in the words of my friend Sue, in all of these cases it ends the same, in taking charge of your life.

No judgement here. The free-falling experience itself is all kinds of things to all kinds of situations but one thing it is not, is being in control. Life sometimes requires complete, descending annihilation for us to lose what we don’t need to carry around. At other times, all that suffering gets old, untenable. Because we know better about this particular storm. Fuck this shit.

Or something in-between.

All of it is the human experience, and the least painful way to live it is to endure. Keep moving. Keep processing. Keep loving. Keep crying. Keep on. Lie down. Get back up. Let what is sliding, slide off.

And stand up lighter.

Back in the Tunnel: (reconstruction)

I’m sitting in my car, the one I got last night to replace the totaled one from November’s car accident. This car I don’t really like but it’s the most practical thing right now after two hospitalizations, one extra trip to the ER and then losing my job and being thrown back in the tunnel. I am losing my health insurance. I even scratched the car this morning because it so very long and I am used to small cars. I look out over the Puget Sound and realize I have not been to the water in months. It is real nice.

I’ve had a white pillar candle burning pretty much all day, every day to remind me of what the spirits told me the night of the accident.

Keep open. Open. Open. We can’t help you unless you open yourself to us. This is what faith is.

Even the candle has been having issues. There was an air bubble, so the wick bored a hole downwards making a chasm, a situation set up to drown the flame. I called the shop and they are ordering another, but I need this candle now. I’ve been tending it.

Mom used to say, “God helps those who help themselves” but lately, I’ve been crumbling. I need someone to help me whether I can lift myself or not. People do come. I would not have this car if someone had not come. Less things to overcome now.

Have you had times when things were so hard, you didn’t think you could go on? Isn’t it incredible the way life does just that – going on?

Spirits gently tug me to shift my vision, to include the blessings with the hardships.

There is always darkness,

they say.

There is always, endlessly, more than darkness, too. This is the fiber your world is made of. Focus on only the dark, and a cycle of self-blame or hatred or despair is spawned, leaving no attention left for the rest of the colors. So many colors.

Stay open. Open. Open. Use your energy wisely.

Guidance and inspiration is all around me, though I am sometimes too numb to feel it.

Open. Open. Open. Rest.

Accept what is in the moment, then choose how to react.

People have gone through so much worse – war, torture, agony – and come back. I am in the dark where the sustenance is endless. It is ok for things to suck, with no comparing.

My consolation is that when this is over, I will have more depths to draw from. I will have more compassion. I will be a better hollow bone. My consolation is that I have the most beautiful, diverse, spirit-rich people in my life. My consolation is that I am alive. My mind is functioning and I have a place to sleep. My consolation is that I know there will be more good things in this life. I will have more opportunity to bring people together, always deeper, always more light.

With your mountainous support, I continue to pray.

white pillar candle surrounded by 'get well' cards

Thank you.

Tasara

Bushwhacking: (the development phase)

I was clearly shown the path to recovery, but that didn’t mean the path itself would be clear or short. To see it brought palpable relief. This relief coincided with a dozen improvements in my health and state of being, as my system cleared from heavy-duty pain meds. The clearing allowed side-effects of anti-seizure medications to arise – more brambles. As this last med is tapered, things continue to change every day.

I could tell you about each of these symptoms and how they affect me. I could tell you about the insomniac patterns of fear that arise in conflict with the facts around me.

But these are just brambles.

I could tell you about how the last full moon told me that there is no conjuring or drawing forth or earning of goodness. Goodness just is. Just like you cannot stop bad things from happening in life, you also cannot stop the goodness. What is possible, however, is the ability to unsee the goodness. Or see it for the first time.

I could tell you about how the world is experienced through a prism constructed by mental constructs. All senses feed information to our incredible, infinitely mysterious brain and then the brain interprets, based on what it already knows – or what it thinks it knows. Turn the prism just a little bit and everything is transformed. The key I see is in not hyper-designing the right mental constructs. It is in letting go of all of them. It is just to be. Just flow. Allow the unconscious instinct part of the brain, which is far smarter than our consciousness, to dictate our decisions.

But these are just glints of light in the dark passage.

In one sense, we as a culture are fixated on the highs and the lows of the Wheel of Life. On the other hand these points are just mirages. The wheel never stops turning and each cycle is part of a greater cycle, made up of the smaller ones we live through every day.

The truth is, the dark and light are both with us all of the time. Each holds its own precipice to ultimate mystery. The many shades of grey are there to harden our navigational skills. Yet, there is no destination. There is only survival and the choice to love, or not to. We cannot control the path. It is there before us. We make decisions in how to travel the path or which direction to go when the path branches.

There is the Wyrd – the network of paths we are connected to. Then there is free will, our limited ability to alter the paths. How we dance on the network is completely under our control. When we say, “What we put out there comes back,” that is referring to our relationships with the network and other beings on the network, carnate and incarnate. Together maybe, we can alter the paths.

Just another possible light in the dark passage.

I cannot tell you. I cannot draw any meaning from my movement on the path right now, because the meaning will not be gleaned until the long game is through.