I have been in the hospital since last Monday. I texted my friend Mike and told him that if he had come visited me, he would have fallen in love with my ICU nurse. He replies, “And you didn’t get a selfie with him?”
Ha-ha. I wish I’d had the good cheer to get a selfie with him. I went to the ER in Edmonds after noting that throwing up in the kitchen sink is a signal to call a friend and get there. I was ushered from there to the ‘Harborview of the North’, up in Everett. The entire time I had my eyes closed because my head hurt so bad.
I love heated blankets. I imagine they have a kiln that smells of the earth where they keep them. My friend Cheri was given keys to that kingdom and I wondered if there were any blankets left for anyone else. She is by my side for days.
I snuck a picture of my head scan. There is blood on one side.. and my whole brain moved off the center line. That made me cry a little and just close my eyes again. They slid me from one cot to another, there must have been a highway involved, then another scan and another cot and then I was in ICU. Quiet beeping.
Intensive Care Unit. All I have is a headache and exhaustion. I really don’t understand why the big deal but if everyone else is doing all those things, I accept being in their hands.
Let me introduce you to Riley (name changed). Riley sits to my right and quietly calls my name. His presence is tender, intuitive, a channel of love and care.
Tell me your full name.
What is your date of birth?
Every hour.
Do you know why you are here?
The next night, the same routine, every two hours.
A flashlight gently brought to my right eye, my left eye.
Squeeze my fingers.
Pull with your toes.
Push.
It took me days, after ICU for me to understand they were checking for stroke symptoms or worsened brain functioning.
Even when I complained about the green, night nurse, Riley had kind words to say about her. Because he is a loving person. He showed me the ropes, telling me it’s kind of like a locker room around here so just let me know if I needed anything or felt uncomfortable, and teased me with threats to turn on the bed alarm if I didn’t call him before getting up to use the commode. But with real concern. I cannot fall. I sensed his talent and I knew then that I will worship caregivers the same way I have always placed teachers above everyone else.
It is the tenderness that really got me. Every time I had to get up, he fished my socks out of the covers and not complaining, put them on my feet. The housekeeping woman left me a card, in which she wrote “Things are changing for the better.” That made me cry, too.
When I graduated from ICU, I was sad because I knew I was headed to a floor where the nurses would be more busy. But I reveled in all the different people with names like Tatiana and Venus and Mariana, Elizabeth and Kim. They had varying levels of emotional boundaries and I enjoyed it when they shared about their lives. One nurse sat on my bed and talked to me for what seemed like 20 minutes about her life. I felt honored.
There were teams of providers. They often said different things and then went away and talked and came back with different plans. This was stressful but I did not get too upset because they were spending so much intention trying to make the best decisions for me. Their whole jobs were to make the best decisions for me. What could be a more important job? I wanted to talk to someone about almost dying and they sent me a chaplain who was accompanied by that purity of a spiritual presence and a curiosity about my power animals. I told him about Bear. I told him I felt like the car was still spinning. I told him that all of euphoria (see the last blog) and the care set me down in a place where nothing, nothing matters at all out there in the world but being in loving presence with people.
My old friend Carol, who always thinks of the best things, got me a protein smoothie. Perfect, because with all the love and care flowing in my direction, the food tastes like cardboard. Yummm.. protein smoothie. Peppermint Almond Milk London Fog. She even returned my rental car, called a lawyer and got me a Good Will cane for my stupid knee. John, my old dear friend, in his 80’s..I put him on speaker phone and he drums for me for 20 minutes.
Everyone keeps putting my socks back on. I am a kitten.
Tell me your full name.
What is your date of birth?
Do you know why you are here?
There was a neurodivergent surgeon. He was kind of an asshole, but then I became really fond of him. I work in tech. I get it.
He said things like, “Sorry about your emotional thing (I was crying), but neurologically, you are getting better.
“Yeah, well we can’t do anything about a time bomb in your head. That is what this condition is.
“ No we can’t scan you every day. That’s too much radiation in your head.
“The headache may or may not go away. We don’t do surgery for headaches. I’m just concerned about the blood.
Now, admittedly, I’ve had a head injury but I seem to remember the first time meeting him, or maybe that same time, when he was joking about how as much as he likes cutting into people’s heads, he was trying to avoid cutting into my head, I may have said “but I know you really want to”. (I mean really, I watch Grey’s Anatomy.) I think I declared that I’ve realized I feel better when people hold my hand. I wanted him to hold my hand. He immediately went for the hand sanitizer and said, “I have a cold heart.”
I said, “That’s ok”.
He said, “I have a cold, cold heart.”
I think I said, “It’ll be good for you.” He held my hand for a quick, firm moment.
There there was the other surgeon, who looked beautiful and talked about the incredible healing powers of Mother Nature. My mom and I liked that. I told mom I was accepting prayers from everyone, from every religion. Mom told me the goddess is in charge.
The neurodivergent surgeon was the only one who told me on my last day that I wasn’t out of the woods yet. I am grateful for that. I will be as careful with myself as everyone showed me to be, while waiting for my next scan.
At the beginning I was thinking, I would be upset if I didn’t know someone I cared about was in the hospital so let a lot of people know…and then become overwhelmed. I thought about what ‘appropriate boundaries’ are and whether I should accept so much help. Then everything became simple. Both giving and receiving are nourishing blessings and we all get to be part of this party of joy and love.
I came home yesterday, so I am about to learn what I can and cannot do. I am so lucky to be in this tribe of warm, shamanic folk. Leslie spent good time with me and I received soul retrieval healing, along with something else that I know will significantly change my life. I asked my neighbor to come by twice a day and ask me funny questions. There are other people coming over to make my place look less like the aftermath of a car accident. I need to get into a heavy box for my title. I am looking forward to a hot bath.
I guess my point is, Tenderness.
We are most likely to learn to love people in powerful ways after we have received it from someone else and ….thank you, Riley. I have learned an embodied, powerful form of tenderness from you. May you live well and be whole. You are a gift to everyone they send into your care. You were my angel.
Oh, goodness Tasara! What a time you’ve had. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I’m glad to hear you’ve been asking for and receiving help. You have some wonderful friends supporting you. I’m sending you healing energy and strong wishes for recovery and good health!
Thank you so much! I receive that! I just broke down and called the physician, asking for the opioids I refused. She assured me that if I use it for breakthru pain I won’t develop a tolerance.
Oh, Sister, Tasara, I am so glad you sought help and received such tender care. Feel my arms around you, praying for healing and relief from the headaches. Always, Anslie
Thank you, my dear friend.
Hugs and love from afar. Thank you for sharing this experience. I pray you will heal up as quickly as is needed! Keep us posted on your recovery please.
Thank you!! Thanks for reading. It helps me move forward getting this out.