I am in touch with the angels: (ICU second hospitalization)

You know. That super electric, lightning speed blue, urgent light of love in motion. And I have to say my body doesn’t really like it. I prefer the Earth. I talked to my spirits and they said that was okay and let me put my body into a copper vat of cool blue water, with mud and plants and steep. If they’re going to open these doors, I want it to all be connected to the Earth and then I will happily accept this gift. 

I had a dream last night that they brought somebody in from a car accident and  the angels were here for her. I told my nurse and it made me cry. I don’t know if the dream was someone they actually brought in like one of those code announcements over the PA or if it was me.. It’s 4:00 a.m. and I’m waiting for another CT scan.

My friend and I have been joking about asking the surgeon why there’s a staple on my forehead. Should I hang something on it? I mean I know about all the other staples that are closing the burr holes in my head but is there a purpose to the one on my forehead? They’re keeping me here for another few days, which makes me feel comfortable cuz I’m afraid of going home and then losing my mind and having a stroke. However keeping me here for a few days is the road to being very very silly. I mean you go to the bathroom supervised every f****** time, close the door so you can actually pee and then contend with the Georgia-Pacific toilet paper roll trying to find the end of the paper. I call it the Georgia Pacific intelligence test. I mean we’re on the neurosurgery floor so they gotta have all these hidden intelligence tests right? I have chocolate pudding. I’ve decided it’s OK to enjoy strapping young men helping me out of bed because I’m not supposed to use my wrist.

Yesterday I had a freak out because I realized that I posted my blog twice and I thought maybe I was slipping again. Things that freak me out: friends that come late and don’t tell me why. I imagine that they are strewn across the highway in a horrible accident. The whole concept of highway is insane and full of peril. Everyone. Please drive safe.

I’m really not sure what the big deal is about being in a physical body and why the trauma if you’re not in one, because being in one or not being in one are just two different places, but the laws of the universe here and how people respond with such extreme emotion are about staying in your body so let’s all stay in our physical lives cuz I think that things are juicier that way. It’s like good food and hugs and love. Love is more perfect and sound when we can feel it in the ground. Those are my thoughts.

But my wish has never changed. My wish is to become a good hollow bone. My nurse tells me that one of the most powerful messages she got from God was to love her husband as much as he does. It sounded like a palpable experience. I thought, who wouldn’t want to be part of that? If I was given a gift that would open a gate in my heart and let people receive that kind of love I would happily accept it. I think part of accepting a gift like that is noticing how it works through all the people around us. We all open the gates for each other, and the world is beautiful.

4 thoughts on “I am in touch with the angels: (ICU second hospitalization)”

  1. Uplifting, inspiring writing … from your hospital bed! Amazing. I appreciated the double posting with a little bit added — I just figured the wires in your brain got crossed for a minute. There may be re-wiring, and repairing neurons, etc. as you heal, no problem! Akuna Mattata Darling!

  2. I loved reading this! Powerful words, that suggest to me that your brain and your heart are working in beautiful harmony, and very well!

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